May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of position. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Certainly, positive, let us have An additional place wherever American men can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present everyone a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he must cease making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the challenge, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot Trump Tower Damascus sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not simply unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is previously attracting focus from Global investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree can even contain:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel in which my PTSD can have switch-down provider."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

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